As another football season dawns, the Grand Haven Buccaneers have made a bold promise to fans: “We will rebuild in our lifetime.” The declaration came from the head coach at a pre-season pep rally in the high school cafeteria, drawing polite applause and one audible “good luck with that” from a math teacher in the back.
Longtime fans say they’ve heard it all before.
“I’ve been cautiously optimistic since 1998,” said Karen VanHouten, a season-ticket holder who still owns a foam finger that has been chewed on by multiple family dogs. “This year feels different, though. I say that every year, but this time I really mean it.”
Some former players were less diplomatic.
“When I played here, we lost by 40 and still got free pizza afterward, so technically I’m undefeated in my mind,”
said former wide receiver Brent “Hands of Stone” Miller, who dropped 16 passes in a single game against Rockford.
Former coach Don Stevens was equally blunt:
“I always told my boys the scoreboard doesn’t define you. The problem is, the scoreboard very much defined us.”
Even sponsors are beginning to feel the strain. Local car dealership owner Mike VanderZee, whose business funds the “First Down of the Game” giveaway, admitted the promotion hasn’t been cheap.
“Look, I was told I’d be giving away a free oil change every time they got a first down. Let’s just say I haven’t written many checks. My accountant calls it ‘the most cost-effective sponsorship in West Michigan.”
Still, the team insists this year will be different. Rumors swirl about new strategies, such as not allowing the scoreboard operator to start counting before kickoff.
“Last season we were down 14-0 before the national anthem was over,”
said senior lineman Tyler Johnson.
“That kind of thing really messes with your head.”
Despite all the skepticism, hope persists.
“We may not win them all,”
one assistant coach explained,
“but we’ll definitely play in every single game.” Kickoff for the Buccaneers’ season opener is scheduled for 7 p.m., though fans are encouraged to arrive early to secure their usual seats for sighing.
